Thy Royal Messenger

Hath Someone Wronged Thee?

Doth a Birthday Approach? Doth Thy Coworker Stinketh?

Whatever thy message — however plain and unremarkable — we shall render it in the grandest, most unnecessarily elaborate Old English prose, seal it in wax, and dispatch it to the recipient of thy choosing.

Thy Message The Decree Shall Issue From

The Royal Court

King ___

Queen ___

Lord ___

Lady ___

High Council

Custom…

Recipient & Sender Address the Recipient As

None

Lord

Lady

Sir

Dame

His Grace

Her Grace

Dear

Delivery Address

Send my message as written — no old English transformation

Decree reading strangely? →

Thy Parchment Preview — choose thy script below

Classic

Scholar

Courtier

Celtic

Mystic

Alchemist

Cloister

Ancient

Endor

Butler

Cristone

Deutsch

Thy Royal Messenger

Official Proclamation · Sealed & Delivered

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Thy decree shall appear here once thou dost press the button of transformation...

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How It Works

Three Steps of Exceedingly Little Effort on Thy Part

Compose

Type thy message, however plain. "Happy birthday" shall suffice. We handle the grandeur.

Preview

Behold thy words rendered in unnecessarily elaborate Old English upon genuine parchment.

III

Dispatch

We print, wax seal, and post thy decree. It arrives in 5–7 days, postal lords permitting.

Royal Tariffs(Pricing)

All Decrees Include Parchment, Old English Prose & Genuine Wax Seal · Shipping & Postage Always Included

The Standard Decree

$8.99

Thy message transformed and dispatched with all appropriate gravitas.

Old English transformation of thy message
Printed on genuine parchment paper
Hand-applied wax seal
Sent in a flat envelope
Shipping & postage included
Delivered in 5–7 business days

The Digital Decree

$1.99

Instant animated fanfare delivered to anyone, anywhere. No postage required.

Old English transformation of thy message
Animated scroll reveal
Royal trumpet fanfare
Wax seal stamp animation
Shareable link sent instantly
No shipping — delivered in seconds

Most Regal

The Scroll Edition

$9.99

The full royal treatment — rolled, ribboned, and dispatched in a protective tube fit for a king.

Old English transformation of thy message
Printed on genuine parchment paper
Hand-applied wax seal
Rolled into a proper scroll
Tied with a decorative ribbon
Dispatched in a sturdy cardboard tube
Arrives ready to unroll with ceremony
Shipping & postage included
Delivered in 5–7 business days

✦ Rush delivery · Add $5 · Ships within 1 business day ✦

About Thy Royal Messenger

The Most Unnecessarily Formal Postal Service in the Known Realm

Hark! We art a most dedicated establishment, committed to the noble art of transforming thy perfectly ordinary messages into proclamations of such unnecessary grandeur that the recipient shall know not whether to laugh or to bow. Whether thou dost wish to inform thine neighbour that his hound doth bark excessively, or merely to wish a companion a happy anniversary of their birth — we shall render it in the most absurdly elaborate terms and dispatch it posthaste upon genuine parchment, sealed in wax, as the ancients intended.

We art, in short, the most unnecessarily formal postal service in the known realm.